I pledge to just be me …. easiest thing in the world right? I can’t possibly be anyone else, so a bit of a non-issue you would imagine.
That’s how I wish it had always been for me. During our lives, I suspect we have all been at some point guilty of having those moments of wishing you were someone else, wishing you had what someone else had, were as good at something as someone else or even just looked like someone else.
They call it the green eyed monster for a reason, it really is a monster. For some the constant feeling of just not being ‘enough’ is all consuming. Whether that be skinny enough, rich enough, happy enough, pretty enough or any other type of enough.
Growing up I felt like I was fatter than my friends, like everyone else had that one best friend and as if in so many ways I just wasn’t good enough. I grew up with not a lot of money at all, at times none at all where we survived off of jacket potatoes and not a lot else, though my Mum always worked a lot so that we could have a roof over our heads.
This meant that often by the time I had managed to own that mega-popular item that everyone else in the playground seemed to have, it was often suddenly ‘uncool’ to have it. I often felt like I was constantly different and secretly all I ever wanted was to blend in and just ‘belong’.
I was clever according to my teachers, but I was never right at the top of the class, I was hopeless at sports and after being teased about the colour of my face during them so often, I wrote myself notes to skip any time of exercise as often as possible. At times I didn’t eat much at all on purpose as I felt being skinny would make me feel better and make me more sporty.
Admittedly my grasp of basic biology and the importance of muscle and a balanced diet was lacking back then. I even at times made myself sick in a desperate quest to fit in, to look like everyone else and to desperately try to be ‘enough’.
The sad thing is that I have no idea who I was trying to be so perfect for, as at that point even if I had reached my idea of ‘perfection’, then it wouldn’t have been what I wanted. I would have wanted more, I would have wanted to be like someone even more perfect seeming, would have wanted more of what I perceived others to have.
Jealousy can be all encompassing, it can make you forget that perfection doesn’t exist and that regardless of how amazing someone else looks or how great their life seems, the chances are they are feeling the same about someone else. Not knowing what goes on behind closed doors, they could infact have awful things going on in their lives that you don’t know about.
You could be wishing to be someone who doesn’t even know if they can come with being themselves at that moment in time. Wanting what others have or to be someone else is a sure-fire way to make yourself miserable and maybe even make your own life worse.
There was a turning point for me, which didn’t come until I was 21 years old. This will sound ridiculously cheesy, but I really do not care. For me it was the moment when my first son was born and he opened his eyes and looked at me like I was his world.
He didn’t care that I was a bit (very) chubby at that point, that I didn’t have a lot of money or that I couldn’t play the flaming piano or run a marathon. To him, I was his world, his everything and more than enough. Amongst the Tween angst and strops, I still see flashes of that in the eyes of both of my children.
When I had both of my boys I realised that regardless of what anyone else did or didn’t have, I had something pretty amazing. Unconditional love can’t be bought, can’t be forced or coerced. Becoming a mother, to me, made me enough, because I would always be enough for them.
I won’t say that I haven’t still had moments over the years where I have thought ‘if only’ and felt a small moment of jealousy, but in all the world and everything in it I have what I want. Yes, a bit of extra money would be nice at times, yes having my thighs be slightly less friendly with each other would be a bonus, but essentially I am happy being me. If I wasn’t me then I wouldn’t have my boys – all three of them, even the duvet stealing grown-up one.
In life, we all need to take a step back sometimes and appreciate what we do have and not look at what others have. In the blogging world I feel happy for others who get great opportunities and hope that they feel the same when I do. If I don’t get an opportunity and someone else does, then I think to myself that my time will come for something else.
Constantly though I do see people who are struggling with the green eyed monster in the blogging world and outside of it. So many people feeling unhappy with their lot in life, not because of their actual lives seemingly …. but because someone else’s seems better or they get amazing opportunities.
The thing is though what will be will be. I think there is no point in stressing over the things in life that you can’t change or wishing for things that you can’t have, that way only lies misery. You only get one life, why spend it wishing you were living someone else’s when you could be enjoying your own?
Today and for always I pledge to just be me, to be ‘enough’ regardless and to be happy about that. After all, no one can be better at being me than I am, so I’m always on to a winner with that one ;)