A little list of dieting lies that I tell myself. Anyone else lie to themselves when going on a diet?
Little pickers wear bigger knickers – story of my life right there ;)
“I’m starting my diet tomorrow, so I had better eat ALL of the food in the house today as that will remove the temptation”
This only works if someone also closes down all local shops/supermarkets, blocks your phone from calling takeaway delivery places and takes away all your money. Oh and also makes sure that your children empty their plates at mealtimes so you don’t hoover up their random leftovers.
“I’ll just have one square of chocolate and leave the rest in the fridge and then have a square each day”
Oh you deluded fool, open chocolate does not just wait to be eaten gradually. It will call out to you every time you open the fridge. You WILL eat ‘just one more’ chunk every hour or so and find excuses to have to open the fridge. School packed lunches will take twice as long to make whilst you eat with your head inside the fridge in case anyone wants you to share.
FYI Best place ever to hide chocolate is in the fruit and veg section of the fridge, no child of mine would voluntarily open that drawer.
“I would be so much slimmer if only I had a …”
You can insert pretty much any word you want here, at one point or another my physical appearance would have been that of a supermodel (albeit a very short very average looking one) if only I had all manner of things.
Treadmill … had it, used it ish – sold it.
Wii Fit – currently collecting dust in the lounge
Exercise bike – this is currently staring at me in the lounge – it hurts my bum. You would think this amount of natural padding would help.
New trainers – erm currently on I think new pair number 15 ish from when this was my sole ‘stumbling block’ to physical perfection (which is as real as a unicorn).
Fitness watch and activity tracker – I own three … none of which I have remembered to charge for a while.
This list could go on for a very long time…
“I will diet after our holiday/weekend away/random social event/Christmas/Easter/Pancake Day…”
The good thing about promising yourself you’ll diet after a particular event, is that you can stay in denial and keep organising events to use as an excuse. I can not possibly start my diet before *insert random religious festival from a religion that you don’t even follow and can barely spell*
I will totally diet soon, but not this weekend as I really fancy a pasty and the opportunity to faceplant a cream doughnut is usually the more truthful version for me and the diet bit isn’t a lie. I believe myself when I think these things … mostly … ‘in denial’ me is a pretty convincing liar.
“I love salad, I can easily live off of it and lose weight”
Usually after saying this and actually trying to stick to it, the realisation hits… all of the bits that make salad taste good like dressing, extra grated cheese, mayonnaise, coleslaw etc make your salad so calorific you may as well have eaten whatever it is you fancied instead.
You may have even felt vaguely full up and not ended up eating ALL of the food in the house at midnight when you ‘just popped downstairs to check if you locked the door’. You totally locked it, you know you did.
“I have lost 2 lbs whoop – therefore I can treat myself to a little treat”
Ah the good old rewarding weightloss by putting twice as much weight back on malarky. Been here done this, I would say ‘got the t-shirt’ but the flipping thing doesn’t fit anymore. Also I don’t do ‘little’ treats, not unless they have lots of little friends with them.
“I don’t need to buy any new clothes – I’ll be slimmer soon and I’ll fit into all the clothes in my wardrobe that currently only just go up just past my knees”
Basically this leads to walking around in the same two outfits for months on end making yourself feel worse. Or squeezing into clothes that really don’t fit and wearing big jumpers in the middle of summer to cover up the fact that the jeans you’re wearing aren’t actually doing up … such a good look.
“I haven’t gotten fatter, my clothes have just shrunk in the wash”
Yes ALL of my clothes all at the same time, even the ones that I haven’t worn or washed for a very long time. We clearly need a new washing machine and tumble dryer – *shovels cake into mouth*
These aren’t the only diet lies I tell myself, but some I’m not ready to admit to myself or give up yet ha! Sooo confession time, what dieting lies do you tell yourself?
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