My eldest was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes 8 years, 1 month and 28 days ago and in that time I have only been more than 2 hours away from him once.
Previously the idea of not being able to get home really quickly if something happened… pretty much freaked me out. Of course I felt the same way about his younger brother, but with Type 1 Diabetes the chances of their being an emergency or health related incident is so much higher.
On Saturday I am heading up to Manchester to go to a party for and then attend the BlogOn conference on Sunday. I won’t lie. Amongst all of the excitement of going to BlogOn and catching up with my blogger friends, I have a slightly sick feeling in my stomach.
In my head I know that Si will be here with the boys and he is so so capable, but at the same time it is so hard to let go. All of the worst case scenarios are running through my head.
Now that the boys are 11 and 13, I’m going to be having to do a little bit of letting go more and more. They’re growing up so fast and they can’t have their Mum standing over them trying to ward off any ‘bad’ things forever. Si has been known to tell me that I need to let them grow up and stop fighting their battles for them. I know he’s right… just don’t tell him as he’s insufferable when he gets confirmation of it.
They are going to make their own mistakes, no doubt they’ll push the boundaries wherever we set them as they grow and I need to learn to be more relaxed about the whole idea of both of them, especially my eldest doing more without me.
Eight years ago Type 1 Diabetes changed not only my son’s life, but all of ours in many ways. We’re at a point now in our lives where over the years we have gradually stopped Type 1 from affecting the way that we live our lives. In every other way we’ve relaxed about it, Saturday feels like another big step towards that.
I’ve worked so hard to make sure that my children’s lives are affected as minutely as possible by Type 1, but for years I put my own life and my own wants on hold for it without even realising. From not chasing the career I wanted for a long time through fear of not being available to be there for my eldest when he’s ill and when he was in hospital.
To turning down chances to do anything that involved being hours away if he couldn’t come too. Don’t get me wrong, I am actually in a much happier place than I was 8 years ago, I don’t resent anything other than the fact that my eldest has so much to put up with. I’ve just reached a point.. where maybe it feels right to think of me and do things that I want to do.
Starting to write on here, was a step to getting a bit of me back and I have some exciting plans going on at the moment that are another big step forward with that. The biggest step for me at the moment though… is getting on that train on Saturday morning and letting go just a little bit more.
If I wimp out and stay in Cornwall feel free to all tell me off!